Struggling to prove that this world isn't a cold, dead place.

New blog, first post.

Looking back 2 and a half years ago when I graduated high school, life hasn't exactly been what I had hoped it would be. I moved here to Shelby, the undeniable shithole of North Carolina, with my mother and her fiancee Chad. This place is horrible. There is a definite lack of intellect and comprehension from everyone here. I'm pretty sure that atleast half of the people I've met here cannot read. It truly is a sad site to behold. Also, you have to drive about 20 minutes before you can find a grocery store or even a Walmart. Being so isolated wouldn't be so bad if this place weren't so devoid of beauty. Just a little bit of scenery could help lighten my hatred towards this place. I honestly can't take another day of Shelby.

Reason number dos: I can't find a job. Who would have known that finding employment in Shelby would be so hard? I had a job at Applebee's once as a cook, but that didn't last too long. I had been working there for a few weeks and just received my third check. I opened it up and found that my 40 hour work week had earned me a little over $100. Lo and behold my manager Marcy had decided on her own to change my position to SA (Server's Assistant) and reduce my pay from $7.75 to $2.45 with tips. This was quite a blow to my pride considering I was much more efficient than any other worker in the kitchen, and the only one with experience in the kitchen. I busted my ass for the place only to be screwed over in the end. Oh well, what can you do, right? Needless to say, I quit the next day, without a 2 week's notice.

Three: College. I've had so much trouble getting into college that it's just flat out ridiculous. I can't go without money. I can't get money without a job. I've tried for Financial Aid several times only to be denied each time. I live with two adults who are disabled now, so maybe my luck will change. I had originally started with my major being Neworking Management, but I found that to be quite boring. I recently changed it to Music (mainly Jazz Ensemble and Music Theory), with the option to transfer to a university after two years. I'm thinking Appalachian or the like. If all goes as planned, I'll be back in college in January. I can't wait.

Four: relationships. I was with Brittany for the better part of two and a half years. Within the past few weeks, even that's suffered from the delusion I've had trying to repair my life. We have officially called off our relationship. It's killing me too because she was truly the only thing holding up my life. I know that living that way is dangerous, but what else could I do? I was only happy when I was with her. We had alot of fun and she always kept my mind off of the troubles in my life. I hope the best for her, I really do. I'll miss her and I still love her...

Lastly, five: family. My family has been going through quite a lot in the past few months. Most notably, my grandfather's health. We had quite a falling out when I moved here to Shelby, and now I regret it more than ever. He has lost 40 pounds this month, and he has been having trouble breathing. His doctor confirmed that he has cancer in three places. One area infected is one of his lungs. It's largely infected and doesn't operate at all. I'm taking my mother and him to the doctor again tomorrow, where they will be able to give us a more well-rounded diagnosis. I'm hoping for the best, and as with anything, expecting the worst. I love my grandfather, and I want nothing more than to make up everything with him. This couldn't have come at a worse time...


Aside from the depression and sadness that makes up the majority of my life, there are good things. Without them, life would truly be horrid. My friends are a part of that. I've been hanging out with Jeremy more than any of them. I've gotten close to him lately, and he really is a good friend. He always wants to have fun, and I envy that. It's the best medicine in this time of despair. Intellectually, I believe we are on the same page about alot of things. Economics, life, music. Even the things that are "out of left field" like time travel, the apocolypse, government coverups. He's even gotten me into golf. We've gone several times to the White Oak Par 3's in Stanley. I really like golf and how it seems like golf is the only things that matters when you are on the course. It doesn't hurt to know how to play golf either, you'd be surprised at how many business decisions are based on whether or not you can drive the ball onto the green from 250 yards out. Golf is a life skill, ha.

Music is also good, whether it's listening or not. I haven't done anything serious with music since Hemisphere disbanded 2 years ago. I'd really like to though. I've missed the stage...
I've also been talking to a few film producers I've met on Craig's List. There are plenty of people on there who are looking for instrumental music for their low-budget and short films. I could make money this way, and even gain recognition. I could move on up the "instrumental-background-music-for-low-budget-films" ladder.

Writing has been helping me out too. I've been trying to get back into writing lyrics and creative writing such as short stories, screenplays, poems, etc. I'll post a few things when I'm feeling a litle more confident about them.


Also, I'm trying to stop smoking cigarettes. It's hard though. I got to the point where I would only smoke about 4 or 5 a day, but that's changed now that everything has gotten bad. I've let the stress get the best of me. Now I'm getting close to a pack a day. Hopefully this will decline soon. Anyone have any tips?




Album(s) of the month: Pygmy Lush - Mount Hope. Black Mountain - In The Future. Check them out.