Shine a light.

I just got back from the hospital, where I just had to watch my grandfather suffer for hours. It's one of the worst human emotions to experience. Goddamn you god, for allowing things like this to happen. By saying that, though, I'd have to acknowledge his existence, yet I'm so uncertain. Maybe it's something like this that could turn your life around, into a believer and a devout religious person. I'm not so sure that's me. Maybe, though...



Album to get over something this tragic: Wolf Parade - Apologies to Queen Mary.

The Beginning of the End

I've never felt so alone than I do this morning. It's 10:10 AM and I'm the only one awake here at my grandmother's home. I'm staying for the weekend to help out both of my grandparents. I'll be the errand boy.

I'm so alone and it's getting to me. I need to bring my head above the water and breathe, just a little bit. Just enough to let myself know that I'm not dead inside. With everything going on, I'm not so sure I'll make it out of this one. In the words of Kevin Nealon, I won't be able to weasel my way out of this one.


Album of the day: Explosions in the Sky - The Rescue EP

O' Appalachia!

It's 8:02 in the morning right now. I'm sitting here, downing a couple of cups of coffee and getting ready to go job hunt. I'm definitely not going to waste my time looking here in Shelby. It's time to take a trip to Gastonia, Belmont, Mount Holly, Stanley, and hell, even Charlotte. I need employment. At this point, I'm considering prostitution... Seriously though, I don't know what I'll wind up doing, but anything other than working in fast food is fine with me. I'd prefer full-time but I'll take what I can get.

Once again, I found myself tossing and turning all night. I can't sleep more than 5 hours anymore. I'll just start thinking about everything that's going on, and it wakes me up from a dead sleep. I need medication or something. Anything to suppress the constant worry and concern that occupies my nonsensical mind all night. It's not so bad when I have something to occupy my time, such as reading, writing, or even eating.

Speaking of eating, I haven't smoked pot in about a week and a half. That was the last time I was in Mount Holly. I've been a smoker for years now, hardly ever less than a couple of times a week. I'm starting to dream again for the first time in months. I'd have those occassional nights where I would dream, but nothing too significant. Now, however, I've been having incredibly vivid, intense, and graphical dreams. It's unreal to me. It's almost like I'm living it as it happens. It can even scare the hell out of me. Like tonight, for instance, I dreamed that I was in the passenger seat of a police car with Jason Segel (the actor from such works as Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I Love You Man, etc.) and he was driving. I was trying to install a cd player into the console while we were driving towards nothing. The end of everything I guess. It was pretty unnerving to say the least. I'm not so sure that it means anything really. I can't recall the dream I had last night, but it was also pretty terrifying. I think I should keep a log of these. I'll try to remember to keep a journal or something at my bedside table and jot down what happens the next morning. I'll think of it as kind of a psychological evaluation of my subconcious mind. Perhaps these dreams do mean something and I need to make some sort of a connection. Or maybe I'm just over-analyzing it all. I mean, you can't tell me that you've never had a dream that you thought even for a second that it was significant to something in your life. To be cliche for a second, it's better to be safe than sorry. Even if it's something as trivial and pointless as this.

Random moment: I can't wait for early 2010, the new season of Lost. I'm completely hooked. I swear that I've seen every single episode atleast 3 times each. I'll probably wind up in the same boat as some of the die hard Sopranos fans, crying when it's all over. I don't doubt it. Another good show is Weeds, but was anyone else disappointed in the new season the just ended? Get back to Conrad and leave Esteban, Mary Louise Parker!

I went with my mom, uncle Randy, grandmother and grandfather to see the doctor about my grandfather's condition. I really don't feel like saying anymore about it.

I'd really enjoy a vacation right now. I haven't been anywhere in a very long time and I can feel the drain it's puting on myself. Anyone up for a trip with me? My treat, I'd love to go anywhere. I would even settle for a camping trip to a nearby national park like Spencer Mountain. I'd go as far as Japan. I don't care. I'll drive to Mexico and stay a couple of nights if it means that I can clear my mind. Any takers?

Also, I've been working on a new short story. I'm planning to have it finished sometime before October. I'll post an exerpt soon. I'd really like for some others to read my work.

I need some new friends, or to reconnect with some of my old ones. To avoid confusion, I'm perfectly content with my current ones. I love them all. I'm just ready to experience something new, which is something I've been lacking for about a year now. Anyone, feel free to say hi anytime. I could really use the company.




Keep your feathers clean and dry...


Album(s) of the day: Chris Walla - Field Manual.

Struggling to prove that this world isn't a cold, dead place.

New blog, first post.

Looking back 2 and a half years ago when I graduated high school, life hasn't exactly been what I had hoped it would be. I moved here to Shelby, the undeniable shithole of North Carolina, with my mother and her fiancee Chad. This place is horrible. There is a definite lack of intellect and comprehension from everyone here. I'm pretty sure that atleast half of the people I've met here cannot read. It truly is a sad site to behold. Also, you have to drive about 20 minutes before you can find a grocery store or even a Walmart. Being so isolated wouldn't be so bad if this place weren't so devoid of beauty. Just a little bit of scenery could help lighten my hatred towards this place. I honestly can't take another day of Shelby.

Reason number dos: I can't find a job. Who would have known that finding employment in Shelby would be so hard? I had a job at Applebee's once as a cook, but that didn't last too long. I had been working there for a few weeks and just received my third check. I opened it up and found that my 40 hour work week had earned me a little over $100. Lo and behold my manager Marcy had decided on her own to change my position to SA (Server's Assistant) and reduce my pay from $7.75 to $2.45 with tips. This was quite a blow to my pride considering I was much more efficient than any other worker in the kitchen, and the only one with experience in the kitchen. I busted my ass for the place only to be screwed over in the end. Oh well, what can you do, right? Needless to say, I quit the next day, without a 2 week's notice.

Three: College. I've had so much trouble getting into college that it's just flat out ridiculous. I can't go without money. I can't get money without a job. I've tried for Financial Aid several times only to be denied each time. I live with two adults who are disabled now, so maybe my luck will change. I had originally started with my major being Neworking Management, but I found that to be quite boring. I recently changed it to Music (mainly Jazz Ensemble and Music Theory), with the option to transfer to a university after two years. I'm thinking Appalachian or the like. If all goes as planned, I'll be back in college in January. I can't wait.

Four: relationships. I was with Brittany for the better part of two and a half years. Within the past few weeks, even that's suffered from the delusion I've had trying to repair my life. We have officially called off our relationship. It's killing me too because she was truly the only thing holding up my life. I know that living that way is dangerous, but what else could I do? I was only happy when I was with her. We had alot of fun and she always kept my mind off of the troubles in my life. I hope the best for her, I really do. I'll miss her and I still love her...

Lastly, five: family. My family has been going through quite a lot in the past few months. Most notably, my grandfather's health. We had quite a falling out when I moved here to Shelby, and now I regret it more than ever. He has lost 40 pounds this month, and he has been having trouble breathing. His doctor confirmed that he has cancer in three places. One area infected is one of his lungs. It's largely infected and doesn't operate at all. I'm taking my mother and him to the doctor again tomorrow, where they will be able to give us a more well-rounded diagnosis. I'm hoping for the best, and as with anything, expecting the worst. I love my grandfather, and I want nothing more than to make up everything with him. This couldn't have come at a worse time...


Aside from the depression and sadness that makes up the majority of my life, there are good things. Without them, life would truly be horrid. My friends are a part of that. I've been hanging out with Jeremy more than any of them. I've gotten close to him lately, and he really is a good friend. He always wants to have fun, and I envy that. It's the best medicine in this time of despair. Intellectually, I believe we are on the same page about alot of things. Economics, life, music. Even the things that are "out of left field" like time travel, the apocolypse, government coverups. He's even gotten me into golf. We've gone several times to the White Oak Par 3's in Stanley. I really like golf and how it seems like golf is the only things that matters when you are on the course. It doesn't hurt to know how to play golf either, you'd be surprised at how many business decisions are based on whether or not you can drive the ball onto the green from 250 yards out. Golf is a life skill, ha.

Music is also good, whether it's listening or not. I haven't done anything serious with music since Hemisphere disbanded 2 years ago. I'd really like to though. I've missed the stage...
I've also been talking to a few film producers I've met on Craig's List. There are plenty of people on there who are looking for instrumental music for their low-budget and short films. I could make money this way, and even gain recognition. I could move on up the "instrumental-background-music-for-low-budget-films" ladder.

Writing has been helping me out too. I've been trying to get back into writing lyrics and creative writing such as short stories, screenplays, poems, etc. I'll post a few things when I'm feeling a litle more confident about them.


Also, I'm trying to stop smoking cigarettes. It's hard though. I got to the point where I would only smoke about 4 or 5 a day, but that's changed now that everything has gotten bad. I've let the stress get the best of me. Now I'm getting close to a pack a day. Hopefully this will decline soon. Anyone have any tips?




Album(s) of the month: Pygmy Lush - Mount Hope. Black Mountain - In The Future. Check them out.